To 2015 - 2016
Why You Should Vote for Ben Carson

A Satire

By Rahul Gautam

  1. Untitled
    By Allison Rothrock, 10
When some people are lost they turn to a higher power. For most, this is an omnipotent religious figure that has all the answers. That’s not me, though. I turned to someone even greater than that. I turned to Ben Carson.
Ben Carson wasn’t always my idol. At one point he was just my role model. The position of my idol has been quite cyclical. For a long time is was Bush 43. All throughout his presidency I gained so much respect for him, so much respect that I never thought anyone else would ever rival him. That is, until Ben Carson came along. After Bush left though, the position of my idol became a power grab between McCain, Romney, Santorum, Jeb, Cruz and even Rubio. For about a week there Carly Fiorina held the position, but, she was, as Greek mythologists call it, a siren: loud and obnoxious. I decided to drop her in favor of a more suitable person to worship, and it was at that exact moment Ben Carson walked into my life. Well, he walked into the debate center on television but I consider The University of Colorado in Boulder to symbolically represent my life and Ben Carson’s podium at the debate to be my face. I was instantly captivated by the man. He’s just so visually appealing. Aesthetically speaking, he’s how I like my coffee: tall, dark and handsome. And when words came out of his mouth my heart just melted. If there was a fountain of youth but for truth, Ben Carson would be the human embodiment of it. His pores ooze truth into the mouths of young, free spirited Americans, such as myself, who are ready to make this country proud. Everything he says is 100% true, after all, he is a Neurosurgeon with a degree from Johns Hopkins. Johns Hopkins! That is a school that I very briefly considered applying to when making my list of colleges. The claims he has made about abortion, slavery, the State of the Union and Nazi Germany are impossible to refute. I, for one, whole heartedly believe that American citizens are as oppressed, if not more, than those who lived in Nazi Germany. Just look at this country. It is in shambles. Don’t even get me started on the education system in place. Ben Carson once claimed that the AP US History curriculum makes kids want to join ISIS. Personally, I never took APUSH but I had several friends who did and it took a lot of will power and several hours of my time to convince 2 or 3 of them not to join ISIS or any of its affiliates. It’s just absolutely uncanny how correct this man is. I’m not religious but I do believe in the Bible and I can tell you right now that Ben Carson is more than just our next president. He is a prophet, sent from the heavens to save America from potential doom. Ben Carson is the hero we need and certainly the one we Americans deserve.
Ben Carson stands for America and is against everything else. That is exactly what we need from a candidate. He only has our best interests in his plans. The Joker, rest his soul, once said that he’s not a monster, he’s just ahead of the curve. I can tell you right now, with 90% confidence, that Ben Carson is so far behind the curve that we will never have to worry about whether or not he’s a monster. If that still doesn’t convince you then know this, Ben Carson has the potential to save your life. Isn’t that something you want out of a candidate? Does it comfort you to know that Ben Carson is out there and may or may not be able to save you from your woes? I sleep soundly at night because of this, because I know that Ben Carson could be watching over me at night.
I have a dream, that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the people of the United States will be able to gather around a rectified statue of their God, Ben Carson, and can worship him and discuss his infinite legacy. If there is one thing that you should take away from this speech, it is my dream. If you don’t support Ben Carson because of his stance, fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, no matter how wrong it is. Support Ben Carson for me, so that my dreams can come true. A small decision can change a man’s life, and that man is me, Rahul Gautam, an everlasting lover of Ben Carson.